An excerpt of a note from my heart

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Vulnerability. Something I never had as a kid, yet something I practice and preach as an adult.

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I grew up confused as to what was wrong with me, I had no idea what it was that made me unable to do everyday tasks, and what it was that made me freeze in place, forcing me to stop dancing. Until I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, emetophobia and severe anxiety disorder. As a child, being told I had something "wrong with me" made me ashamed and confused. 

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My continued failed attempts at living a normal kid and teen life trained me to believe that who I was was shameful and weird, and something that should make it so that I never show my face in public again. 

I hid away for so long. I wanted it to be a secret. I had people around me who were left in the dark, and who got angry and frustrated with me when the anxiety and OCD that was out of my control would take over. Just like someone yelling at you and cutting contact with you for sneezing, coughing or hiccuping, when it’s something fully out of your control. How frustrating is that? And you begin to hate yourself so so much because you just cannot understand why you can’t just be like everyone else around you, envious of the kids effortlessly walking into school while I was sick in the parking lot.  It is a dangerous spiral and one that kept me hidden and shrouded with shame.

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I tried to quit dance because of it. My mum didn’t let me. Bless her for that, it is truly a gift that she did that,

because it would be dance that would be one of the main things to save my life.

I decided that I could either not have any experiences, friends, and live a sad life as a shut in, or that I could own the fact that I am sick and I suffer with something that has controlled my entire life, and just let people in. Let people see that. And that’s been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing ever; living my authentic life and using what I thought was my weakness as a superpower has been my saving grace. I changed my life around and realized that 

it is freeing living my truth, and just kind of being at an agreement with myself to live authentically even though I know my condition is still present.

I now just don’t allow it to halt my life and stop me, my accomplishments and well, normality. I am worthy of a life where I can laugh, where I can explore, where I can dance.

 I realized, it’s not about stopping in order to live, but to live in order to stop.

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And so as I have healed and found my niche, I promise myself every day, to not only teach, but to teach with every ounce of passion. I am going to create, to inspire, to express, and to help, and execute my craft to the absolute best of my abilities each and every time. Because I know that if I would've had someone teaching me as I grew up that understood what I was going through, maybe I would've been living the life I have now a whole lot sooner.

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With love and vulnerability,

Elvira